Pockets Filled With Pebbles

Time with my daughter is time that I value above everything else.

Throughout her six years on this Earth, Ivy & I have developed many traditions, such as our special ways of saying "I love you" or our bedtime story sessions, after checking for monsters at night by knocking first, (because it's rude to barge right in the closet) & over the last year, we have made it something of a tradition to go on morning walks together along the river by our house. 

Sometimes we only walk as far as the "blue & red boats" before we turn back, & sometimes we could go for miles, basking in the sunshine together while we splash rocks into the water & sing silly songs that my Mother taught me when I was Ivy's age.

Ivy has a very curious mind & is always so eager to learn about the world around her. After almost ever single walk, we come home & do some kind of research to find out where an squirrel stores its food for the winter or how heavy groundhogs get, & we always seem to come home with our pockets filled to the brim with pretty pebbles & empty snail shells to add to Ivy's fairy garden. Even if it was raining, Ivy would still be begging to go outside to splash in puddles because like any other child, she thrives when she is outdoors.

One thing I particularly love about our little adventures is that it not only gives us the opportunity to strengthen our bond, but it also allows us to step away from the daily distractions that seem to so quickly consume our attention. We can talk without the sound of a tv or radio in the background. Ivy can feel safe to confide in me without worrying if anyone else is around to hear her & I can have her full attention without having to confiscate a tablet or limit tv time. Out in nature, it is simply Ivy & I, & our pockets filled with pebbles.

Spring Photo Shoot

It's not often that I share photos of myself on my blog, but my friend Mercy is a phenomenal photographer & always captures me in the most incredible light so I felt compelled to share these shots from our walk the other day. I feel truly blessed to have such incredibly talented friends in my corner! I'll be sharing my YouTube video with Mercy soon, so stay tuned for the link to hear about her upbringing in polygamy & all the struggles she faced as a young woman & potential bride in the AUB group!

Photographer: Mercy Lavery
Dress: ABS Collection by Allen Schwartz
Tote Bag: Violet Fox

#GROWTH

It's a little after 11:00 PM as I'm writing this, & although my contacts are drying out, my dishes are piled up in the sink, & my little one is snoring from the next room... my mind is still going over a conversation that I shared with an old friend a few hours ago. 

Throughout the course of my life, I have been accused of being a hypocrite many times. Of course, sometimes it was called for. I'm only human, & at the ripe old age of 25, I've still got many more mistakes to learn from. However, there were many more moments that I heard this term used in reference to my attempt at self-improvement... particularly over the past couple years, as I have made much more drastic changes to improve the quality of my life & my character. 

One of the hardest decisions I had to make in order to grow in a healthy direction was to distance myself from all of the toxic people in my life. Some of these individuals were genuinely bad people while others simply did nothing wrong, but somehow they brought out a side of me that I resented so much that I was stuck drowning in self-hatred. I said goodbye to many people I had called friends for close to a decade & even found myself closing the door on some of my family members. It didn't mean that I didn't love them, or think about them, or wish them the best... but I couldn't stay afloat if I kept trying to save the ones who were poking holes in my lifeboat. 

"Just because you did something wrong in the past doesn't mean you can't advocate against it now. It doesn't make you a hypocrite. You grew. Don't let people use your past to invalidate your current mindset."

One of the many things that I've had to unlearn after leaving polygamy is that I don't always owe an apology. As the clock nears 5:00 PM every day, I still find myself trying to make myself look busy when my husband walks in the door from a long day at work & profusely apologize for the dishes not being done or dinner not being ready or still being in my pajamas & do you know what? After he finishes looking at me like I'm a complete nut job, he tells me that I have nothing to apologize for because he doesn't expect that of me. He then thanks me regardless of what I have or have not done that day & then we go on with our evening.

Being British as well as being from a Polygamist background, I have always felt compelled to apologize for everything. I felt like I owed my friends an explanation AND an apology for distancing them from my life, even though it was necessary for my personal growth. There have been many instances in which I have been referred to as a hypocrite for my decision, but at the end of the day, I have had to take a look at who I have become & realize that who I am is something I should never have to apologize for.

Simply put, you do not have to apologize for putting your mental health first. You do not have to apologize for putting your children first. You do not EVER have to apologize for putting your safety first & you do not have to apologize for doing what is necessary continue your personal growth. 

We're not perfect. We've all made mistakes & I will be the first to admit that I have made many of my own & will make many more before the end of my life, but I wouldn't go back & take change it because I am who I am today BECAUSE I made those mistakes. We are who we are because we choose to mold those mistakes into a firm foundation for our character... & we must continue building on our character because we were put here to GROW & you mustn't let anyone take that away from you.